We all have them, the Facebook “friends” we wish we could “unfriend” because their status updates, event invitations, group suggestions, application announcements (or a hefty combo deal including all of the above) are just too much to take.
Introducing your 7 Most Annoying Facebook Friends…
7. Work Out Updater Wendy – Wendy “ran 3.5 miles in 33 minutes and felt good.” Wendy “ran 2.22 miles in 19 minutes and felt good.” Wendy “ran 4.5 miles in 50 minutes and felt good. in the rain.” Wow, Wendy good job. Not only are you inconsistent with your mile pace, now I feel like a jack for not running this morning before work.
6. Emotionally Unstable Emily – Not to discount or ignore Emily’s feelings… But come on. “Emily has the worst life ever. Boyfriend broke up with me, I can’t find my car keys and my job sucks. FML.” Alright pull yourself together. No one wants to read you blubbering on about your “terrible life.” If you’re that upset, call a real friend. Your Facebook “friends” have no sympathy. Or at least I don’t.
5. Play-by-play of My Day Paul – 7:18 am Paul “Good morning, off to work.” 12:25 pm Paul “Having a sandwich for lunch.” 5:01 pm Paul “Leaving work, heading home for some dinner.” 6:15 pm Paul “Having spaghetti for dinner.” 9:44 pm Paul “Off to bed.” blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Wow! How fascinating! Bore someone else with your life, Paul… Not one of your 378 Facebook friends cares if you’re listening to music, waiting for the bus or laying in bed.
4. Bad Grammar Billy – Billy “Can any one give me some tips on how 2 right a good resume? I need a job!” Welp, Billy. You’re SOL. With that grammar, punctuation, spelling catastrophe I just read I think you need a GED before we can even think about getting you a job. Go back to school, learn how to write properly and then get back to me about writing a quality resume.
3. Stalker Steve – So Steve and I are out with a group of friends and he starts a conversation by saying, “Wow looks like you had a lot of fun at that Oregon vs. Cal game, crazy!” Hmm… Stevey, you have never sent me a message, written on my wall or even shown up in my Facebook news feed. I didn’t even remember we were “friends” on Facebook? So, how is hiding in the shadows of Facebook and reading my updates? Engage once in awhile buddy, you’re creeping me out.
2. Application-happy Amy – No, I don’t want to join your Mafia. No, I don’t want to play Farmville with you. No, I don’t want to take your “Single Ladies, Should He Put a Ring On It” quiz and I certainly don’t want to be a fish keeper in your Happy Aquarium. Not only do I not want to join you in these sure-to-be spam, nonsensical games but I’d appreciate it if you would stop playing them so they would stop showing up in my Live Feed. Thanks.
1. Aunt Milly – While Aunt Milly might be great for baking holiday cookies, sending birthday cards and always showing up for Easter dinner, she doesn’t belong in your Facebook feed.
Dear Aunt Milly,
Please understand that when addressing me on Facebook via my “wall” you do not need a salutation. Your name, appearing right next to a rather sizable picture of your face, appears each time you write to me. Therefor, writing ‘Love, your Auntie Milly’ is unnecessary. Not only can I see that it is in fact you writing me a message about eating my daily vitamins, but all my friends do as well.
Also, when you are writing to me to remind me to eat my vitamins, please post this in a message directed to me or on my wall if you must. Updating your own status with a message to me is futile. Not only will I not see it, but your entire list of friends will be utterly confused. The whole Facebook world doesn’t need this message so click on the name of the person you wish to speak with and “Write something…” in the Wall portion of their profile.
PS – if these tasks seem like more than you can take on with the Internet right now, please cancel your Facebook account. Or better yet, just stop logging in. It will save us all a lot of hassle. See you at Christmas.