Originally featured on the LA Times Sports Blog

Dear Matt,

Wow! What a year for you so far! Rarely do we see true freshman quarterbacks such as yourself play so majestically, especially under pressure.

We love the fact that you are a 19-year-old kid from California making national news on the gridiron. Way to represent the West Coast, kid!

We have been watching you for quite some time now. Your first performance (vs. San Jose State) didn’t particularly wow us, even though you went 15-of-19 with 233 yards and one touchdown. We all pointed out that it was against San Jose State, and that Pete Carroll himself could have put up those numbers.

The big thing we were all waiting for was your first away game, which was at the Horseshoe in Columbus, Ohio, no less. We all wanted you to fail miserably and prove to the nation that you were just a fluke, and that the University of Southern California would be garbage in the Pac-10 this year.

Boy, were we wrong!

Not only did you keep your poise, but you came out the victor over Ohio State and the hated Terrelle Pryor and really proved your worth nationally as well.

You wholeheartedly earned your respect and dismissed any notion of you being a 19-year-old media darling who was getting attention just because of the team you play for. Once again, congratulations.

As we monitored your progress (we know you would have beaten the Washington Huskies had you been healthy), the excitement started building within us, and we marked the date of your visit on our calendar.

We are so glad that you have continued to play at a stellar level, because we want your status as a top-tier quarterback to still be intact when you pay us a visit. We want you to believe that you are truly a great quarterback, and that nothing can stop you. We want this confidence.

Then, of course, we want to obliterate this aforementioned confidence on Halloween night.

Playing at home in Southern California is no doubt a comfortable, safe atmosphere. Playing at the Horseshoe might have gotten a little noisy, but you have proven that just a little noise won’t rattle you.

After you beat our neighbors last week, we just wanted to give you a little warning: When someone beats up on our little brother, then, as big brothers, we have no choice but to retaliate and show you that only we are allowed to pummel our lesser siblings.

Be warned.

Also, we would like to direct you to the words of Adrian Peterson. He has witnessed great success in the NFL; he survived his trip to visit us, and we wish you the same success in the future.

“It was like some sort of crazy torture in the movies. How do people do that so long without taking a breath? I think my ears are still ringing.”

Mr. Peterson lived to tell about his visit and is now the best running back in the NFL; we want you to survive your visit as well and become a good quarterback. After all, we don’t want to kill you.

We just want to make sure our team comes out on top this year. We believe that a small sacrifice will be needed. Your eardrums are what we are after—and we will stop at nothing to get them.

When you burn a timeout after your very first huddle, just remember that there is no shame in doing that. It happens to all first-time quarterbacks when they visit us; they just aren’t used to having to communicate with their motions.

After Oct. 31, we wish you the best of luck in the future. We know you can make it big, and we apologize in advance if your visit creates any chronic long-term health effects, mentally or physically.

Just wanted to say one final thing though: Whatever happens this Saturday, it’s nothing personal. If anything, take it all as a sign of respect.

We know you are just 19, and hey, if you really do want to get your revenge, you should still be around to visit again for your junior season. We’ll be waiting.

Once again, no hard feelings, Matt. We just really want that Rose Bowl this year.

Love,

The University of Oregon

P.S. Nice hair.

Rumor has it these Japanese faux see-through skirts will be all the rage here soon. And why shouldn’t they be? Who wouldn’t want to wear a skirt that is in-fact not see through but has the print of random underwear (and bonus! maybe even a wedgie) on the back?

Is it real? Is it advertising? I don’t care… There’s underwear showing through those skirts!

There really is no conclusion to the “see through skirts” mystery, I am simply mystified by this recent fashion trend emergence, and the fact that it’s a top trending topic in Google search. I type “see” and the first trending topic to pop up? “see through skirts.” Simply magnificent.

Or You’ll Be a Twitter Fail Whale…

#9: Your To-Do List

While I find it mildly impressive that you have to drop the kids off at school, grab coffee with Suzy, complete a writing assignment, watch Mad Men and do laundry all in one day… I do not need to see your list of activities every afternoon. Although you are enthralled with the 5 things you will be doing today – I am snoring and would much rather see a link to something worth knowing.

#8: Things That Are “Awesome”

I do appreciate awesomeness just as much as the next guy, but your tweet: “This is awesome [link]” does nothing for me. You could be spam or linking to a video of Heidi Montag. Both of which I want nothing to do with. Give me a little bit more reason to click on your link, I want you to have to work for it.

#7: “Goodnight”

Ok, it’s 11pm and you’re all set in your PJs ready to crawl in bed… and the one thing you just have to do is grab the Blackberry (or laptop) and say “goodnight” to Twitter? Honestly? My good friend Ben Goodsell, and author of Optimistic Pessimism, has created what we call “Weener of the Week.” And you, “goodnight twitter” tweeter make this list.

Follow him @BenGoodsell on Twitter for future weekly weeners!

#6: Your Online Following

I understand that reaching 1,000, 2,000 or 5,000 followers is an exciting moment in your otherwise meaningless day. However, I am less than enthused and you’re pretty much tweeting too hard. If you have a twitter stalker, got a lot of #followfriday mentions or reached a really high number of followers – have a little party at your desk. Just don’t share it with the twitterverse.

#5: Things You Could Have Done But Didn’t

“Avoided calling someone out on their misuse of grammar so I wouldn’t embarrass them.” Ok, great. But I would have been much more entertained by you actually calling someone out on their poor grammar. Twitter callouts are the best and if you don’t have the guts, that’s ok. Just don’t bring attention to your fail.

#4: Your Workout

“just benched 250 lb, new personal record. #jesushelpsmelift” There is little need to explain why I don’t care about this. You’re the only one who cares how strong you are, how much you can bench, how many spinning classes you’ve taken or how many protein shakes you consume in a week.

#3: Quotes That Are Motivational or Inspirational To You and More Than Likely No One Else

“I spread my dreams beneath your feet… Tread softly bcuz you tread on my dreams” Hmmm…. you are obnoxious.

#2: Coffee

Although having 4 extra hot, nonfat, double caramel caramel macchiattos by 9am East Coast time does make you pretty much my hero, I don’t need to read about it every morning. Train your jittery caffeinne-addicted fingers to type something better.

#1: How Much Cooler/Better/More Important/More Famous You Are Than Everyone Else

Apparently, @Sini74 “has a life and doesn’t really have time for Twitter. Sorry everyone!” Really? Enough said. And on that note, @spencerpratt you need to stop tweeting about how you are the most famous person on Twitter (although you may be the most famous person on Twitter that has no talent, has not produced anything and is generally famous for nothing). I get that you are better than me – I’m sure you have more friends than I do, more money, and a wife with more plastic injected in her body than I could dream of… But let me live my simple life.

Basic rule: If you don’t have anything interesting to say, don’t say anything at all.

Because I have no desire (or motivation rather) to be this girl…

I fancy myself somewhat of a smooth-talker, and when I say “smooth-talker” I mean person that complains to the point of getting what I want from companies that I already pay money to and I feel owe me something more than half-hearted customer service.

However, no such luck with a dreaded gym membership… I signed up to work out at said gym a few, 8 months back. The club worked out alright, but I have since relocated. I now would like to not drive to the complete opposite end of town to get my 1 hour workout in. Said gym informs me that I will be charged 100 smokers (yea, $100) just to quit – on top of my monthly charge! The only loophole is moving more than 30 miles away from any one of their buzillion locations (only one of which is located on the opposite end of my town). My first thought is, what person in their right mind travels 30 or more miles to get on a treadmill? Run, Forest, Run… Give me a break. My second thought is, why is it absurdly more difficult to get out of a fitness membership than any other binding contract in my life? Rental agreement, visit to the office and out – Cell phone contract, a little finagling then out – These gym nazis won’t budge!

If you find yourself in my predicament (and I don’t wish this fate upon my worst enemy) these are my tips – although they have proven largely unsuccessful for me -

1.) If you’ve signed up within the last week and are having buyer’s remorse, cold feet, or go back on your New Year’s resolution you might be in the clear. Apparently, most gyms have a healthy window shortly after you sign up to get you out of the contract without permanent scarring, or an extravagent fee.

2.) If you’re like me, a few months in and want out… Scour your official contract. Read and reread the official cancellation clause within your signed agreement. There may be a loophole or specific reasons which will allow you to get out of the contract scot-free; such as injury, illness, gym relocation or moving outside a certain distance to the club.

3.) Talk to the higher-ups. If you aren’t making headway with Suzie-trainer or Billy-gym manager, call the gym’s headquarters, parent company or billing institution to discuss policies further.

4.) Civil codes! Yes, there are state-by-state civil codes regarding gym and spa membership cancellation. Research the codes for your state (mine’s Oregon) to be sure there is not a law or guideline your gym may slyly not be following. With the proper legal jargain and civil codes in your back pocket you may be able to fancy-talk your way out of cancellation fees.

5.) Put it in writing. Many gyms require written cancellation letters, but if yours doesn’t do one any way. Submit a written and signed official cancellation notice with as much notice as you can give (30 days is the perfect amount of time to say ’sianara!’) Keep a copy of the official letter for your records and in it: indicate the date you joined, the reason you need to get out of the gym contract, your final date and the action you expect the gym franchise to take (such as halting the automatic withdrawals from your checking account or monthly charges on your credit card. Also include the names of any health club employees that you talked to during the cancellation process.

Better luck to you in your “I want to quit the gym to sit home and make a generous dent in the La-Z-Boy” endeavours. And please, if you have any advice, tricks or shared frustrations comment it up below! I want to hear it… I could use all the ammunition I can get.

Well, needless to say it has been awhile since I last posted on the Real World PR blog. To fill you in, I graduated UO, moved to Bend, Oregon and am now working at a stellar Internet Marketing boutique agency specializing in SEO (Search Engine Optimization.) You could call me an SEO Geek…

My AudetteMedia SEO Geek counterparts and myself will be attending SearchFest 2009 presented by SEMpdx this coming Tuesday, March 10th. To say I’m excited for this event would be a wicked understatement. This intimate gathering of search nerds is sure to be an informative, fulfilling and fun experience.

If you’ll be in Portland, Oregon March 10th, have a day to spare and are at all interested in learning the latest advancements in enhancing search engine performance to deliver more visitors and customers to your website, you really should be at the Oregon Zoo at 8 am.

Details:

Conference tracks will cover a wide variety of topics, ranging from search engine optimization (SEO) and pay-per-click (PPC) fundamentals, to more advanced tracks that include leveraging Web 2.0 to increase online visibility and sales, Web analytics, and future trends.

Location: Oregon Zoo – Cascade Crest Banquet Center.

Danny Sullivan’s (Yea, that’s right!) Keynote will kick off the day beginning at 8:00am with breakfast provided. Sessions will run all day and conclude with exciting Hot Seat Site reviews and a cocktail reception following at 5:00pm.

Speakers & Topics:

•    Danny Sullivan, Search Engine Land

•    Rand Fishkin, SEOmoz

•    Adam Audette, AudetteMedia

•    Vanessa Fox, Nine by Blue

•    Marshall Simmonds, New York Times

•    Neil Patel, ACS SEO

•    Riona MacNamara, Google

•    Laura Lippay, Yahoo

•    Matt McGee, Small Business SEM

•    Greg Hartnett, Best of the Web

•   And More!

Be there!